Is opening up right for our relationship?
If you’ve been thinking about what it may mean to have an open relationship, you’re in the right place. Wrapping your head around intimacy that expands beyond the standard two person partnership can be a whole lot but you don’t have to master it all today. Let’s start together with a few of the questions and tips you can use to take your first step (or the next one) through the possibility of opening up in the ways you love.
First, put yourself first
Being real with yourself first about where you’re at emotionally is the key to stability in the foundation of whatever relationship you cultivate, so settle in and dig deep. Determine if you’re truly ready for more, and consider the variables and changes in how you experience love, particularly if you’re still exploring your relationship with self love.
Think about what that will feel like: how will you respond when things are easy, and how will the hard moments land? Are you capable of owning accountability or do you have a tendency to take on too much blame? Own that as you evaluate. There are no right answers, but it’s critical to know where you stand so you can invite candor into these conversations with potential partners.
Decoding the types of open relationships
There is more than one way to have an open relationship. Some of the primary terms you may hear are polyamory, polygamy, nonmonogamy, ENM (ethical nonmonogamy). There is more terminology beyond them, and different structures for each relationship type that may be of interest to you.
If you’re new to the various structures of nonmonogamy, take your time exploring podcasts like this episode from ThatBlackCouple that explores different styles of dating and love when you’re already in a relationship. You may also choose to explore these options in couples therapy with a therapist who values your relationship and goals.
Questions to ask yourself and your partner
Why am I considering this?
The intentions you and your partner have for considering this relationship adjustment are important. If they align, you’re off to a great start and can move on to the next questions. If you have different reasons for exploring this option, you may also have different goals and ideas of what an open relationship will look like as it develops.
Before asking your partner about their reasons for wanting to open things up, ask yourself what your own reasons are and then listen for the answer. Look inward without judgment or expectation of what you may find. Opening up your relationship cannot be an effective band aid, consolation prize or compromise to be made in the structure of your intimacy.
If you’re choosing this journey for those reasons, please stop here and reach out to me. Couples therapy is the perfect step in sorting out what you’re feeling without shutting down this open path in the future. Likewise, if you’re comfortable and confident in why you’re considering opening up, it’s time for the next question.
How is our communication health?
You may choose to use a scale (1-10), a checklist or a combination of both, but now is the time to inventory the way you exchange information. Communication health will consider more than the words you say: how you speak to one another, your body language, empathy, personal accountability and compatibility are important elements of how you communicate in any relationship.
Before you dive into an open relationship, talk about the ways you talk- and how you don’t. For good times and bad, it’s a critical part of making a big change. Communication is your most powerful ally in re-defining your relationship so now’s the time to get real with one another about how well you’re communicating.
What boundaries are needed to feel safe?
Safety in a relationship goes beyond the physical security you feel. How can you look ahead at the new shape of your relationship and prepare yourself for emotional, intimate and sexual safety within it?
In new relationships, it’s ideal to draw on your own needs and trauma to show up to this conversation with a clear awareness of where you’re at in your own emotional safety. You can use your knowledge of your own mental wellness to be sure you’re advocating for who you are now and what you need.
If your relationship has more history, reflecting on what you’ve been through together and how you’ve supported and reassured one another is a great way to consider new boundaries. Your past will give you a framework of hindsight that you can use to structure hypothetical scenarios and establish boundaries for emotional and physical security.
Are there logistical things we need to consider?
Do you live together? Are your schedules complicated already? What responsibilities in life do you share- like finances, children, or cars? These logistical questions may not impact when and how you open your relationship, but they are likely to be an important factor in how your relationship dynamics develop.
Considering them now will help you anticipate that so you don’t get a complicated surprise about how the moving parts of life will unfold in this new space.
When should we plan to evaluate how it’s going?
As you prepare for the possibility of a new relationship shape, it’s important to give some energy to the future. Check in with one another now about how you’ll check in moving forward.
You can make a time-structured plan that you’ll evaluate your relationship health in particular intervals or you can choose to structure those check-ins based on emotional cues you agree upon. There’s no right way to reflect and evaluate, but it’s important you decide together how to manage it before it becomes a barrier to your relationship wellness.
If you’re ready to explore opening your relationship and all the beautiful things it may invite, you don’t have to go it alone. I’m available for the support you need in creating the structure that feels right for you in your life and relationships.
