Viewing Your Painful Past Through the Lens of Your Proud Present
In this weird time in life, it can be wild as hell to realize that the person you are today is not who you were born as. Maybe this you, right now, isn’t the same you that went into COVID lockdown, or even the same you that came out of the shower this morning.
As humans, we change so many times throughout our days and lives. You may carry multitudes within, but how do you reconcile who you are now with your past or the person you thought you were going to be?
Let’s talk about the way you can make peace with a past that hurts so you can feel pride in who you have become. This blog is for anyone who once felt they couldn't live as their authentic self and grew to do so through painful changes. Whether that's taking pride in your sexuality, your culture, or your romantic relationships. Let’s get into it.
Letting others into your reality can be empowering
Whether you’ve changed the color of your hair or the way you share love in your life, it can be liberating to stand on your platform and scream your new truth from the highest point. It’s empowering to share your authenticity with others and to let them see you, right here and now, without a filter that makes it more comfortable for them.
For us Black folx in particular, it may feel radical to just be in this world in your body unapologetically. Owning your truth—be it deeply rooted in your identity or the way you tailor your appearance—can be both healing and cause for celebration. You may find that your relationships blossom, your vibrancy expands, and these moments of vulnerability enhance your effectiveness across life. Letting others into your truth creates space for your story to grow.
It can hurt like hell and still be growth
Even with all that growth at your fingertips, being vulnerable is scary. When you choose to live your life out loud, you will face loss and pain. You may lose friendships, access to spaces, or long-held beliefs that you weren’t ready to let go of. Growth is beautiful, but it doesn’t always feel good.
When it hurts to be your authentic self, it doesn’t mean that you’re doing it wrong or that you shouldn’t be doing it at all. Truth and time are both currencies, and their cost may cause you pain, but that does not mean it’s not worth spending.
The steps to finding peace with all the pieces of you
1. Acknowledge your past
You can’t heal what you won’t speak- so even if it’s difficult, return to the experiences that shaped you before you reached this part of your life. From trauma to triumph, acknowledge the things that made an impact on your identity. Let each of these experiences sit independently of one another and see them for what they were when they occurred: the emotions, the colors, the shapes, the power. Bring it all up again in a safe space where you can process it without putting yourself at risk.
2. Identify the things you cannot allow
When you think about the experiences that made you who you are today, it’s necessary to sit with those memories and parse out the pieces that you cannot allow to happen to you again. While these may be actions that are easily identifiable, they may also be emotions, expressions, or relationship types. There are many things you cannot control in life but how you accept and expect love to feel for you is something that will always be within your control.
3. Talk about it
If there are folx from your past that are still a part of your life, you can invite them into these conversations about how you’ve changed. Talk about the things that hurt you, how they felt and how you processed them moving forward. You can talk openly about your present feelings or the emotions that shaped your past experiences. In these conversations, there is plenty of room for acknowledging pain and celebration, along with impact (even if it differs from the intent of a situation). This step can be particularly helpful when you’re thinking about family relationships or lifelong friendships where your identity may have changed drastically over time.
4. Reflect on what you need to feel safe
Each step you’ve taken to this point will be pivotal in what comes next. Ask yourself here what it is you need to feel safe in the future. You can turn the question inward toward your current self, or move into the past reflections and ask your childhood self what it is you needed and were missing. Is it acceptance? Respect? Celebration? Acknowledgment? There’s no wrong answer to identifying the paths to emotional and identity safety in life.
5. Admire how far you’ve come
Beyond reflection, sit in observation. This may look like a mindfulness or journaling practice, but it also might just be you sitting back and looking at your life to recognize that you are whole, complete, & dope af, and you deserve to heal into this space of harmony. Admire the spaces between your past and present for all they carry. Admire the times you stood up and fought for yourself, the times you got angry and demanded better. Celebrate the moments you were really feeling it, and be grateful for the power of being vulnerable here and now.
6. Be proud as hell of this space you’re in
This one. This is the pinnacle of peace and pride. Shape it, feel it, wear it, or be it, however, feels best to you cause there’s nobody like you. Be proud as hell of who you’ve become because of, in spite of, and within all you have been through in your lifetime. You are doing important work and it is meaningful. You matter and you should be damn proud of yourself.
The lenses of your life impact your worldview
Who you are now is a combination of all the versions of you that came before this. From childhood wanders through imagination to teenage angst, you carry each version of you inside yourself now and they come together to shape the way you see the world. It’s like a kaleidoscope of experience but not every refraction of life has been a good one for most folx.
