You Won’t Jinx It If You Enjoy It
After a loss, you may struggle to celebrate good things, for fear of losing them too, or with muting/minimizing the pain of your initial loss. This idea of hesitation to feel happiness or fear of loss can be a huge barrier to success in all other areas of life. And it is no way to truly live. This blog is for readers who struggle to embrace joy because they fear it will be taken away. Let’s unpack the impact of our experiences and the power of Black grief as we work toward manifesting the magic you deserve.
As the title of this blog says, I want you to know before we begin that there is no doubt in my mind that you are deserving of joy. But, like you, I understand what it feels like to have the promise of a positive step and success torn away from you.
When happiness is within your grasp, and then you lose it, it can be a struggle to celebrate what’s good in your world for fear of losing it again. You aren’t alone, and you deserve joy so let’s talk about why it happens and how you can take back your life from fear of joy.
Can you be afraid of happiness?
You can be afraid of anything, especially if you’ve had experiences in your life that have taught you that your joy is not safe. Perhaps you’ve experienced a turn of fate that’s made it difficult to believe in happy endings after loss. You may not know how to reclaim your unfiltered belief in joy, despite things looking like they might go your way.
Do you feel like you’re walking the line between achieving your goals and genuinely feeling happy about them?
Here are some of the signs that your hesitance to feel happiness may be a bit more than being humble:
A chronic worry that if you enjoy something, you will lose it
Fear of success as much (or more than) failure
Declining chances to experience success or joy
Feeling joy makes you feel selfish or guilty as well
You feel that since others have it worse, you don’t deserve good things
A fear of upsetting others by expressing your positive feelings
Over time, if you’re feeling some type of way about your own joy, you may begin to avoid situations or experiences that make you feel happy. It can lead to a lower quality of life, avoidance of success, and even a chronically stressed schedule. After all, if you can’t be happy, you may as well be busy, right? Lemme just remind ya’ll that busy (aka overworked) is not healthy #lifegoals!
It’s not always a whole big thing
You can feel this reluctance for your own joy in smaller ways as well. Maybe you aren’t avoiding things you loved or plagued by a need to prevent your own happiness. The thought or fear of losing the positive vibes can still linger in your subconscious in a way that prevents you from celebrating life to the fullest.
While you may not have full-blown cherophobia (yep, it’s a thing), there’s plenty of space on the scale to recognize where and how this aversion to excitement may be showing up in your life.
Let’s talk about grief and trauma for a minute
How do you think your happiness meter holds up when you’ve been steeped in pain? Grief and trauma have a way of encouraging us to protect ourselves after loss, but, when they move through the threads of our lives unchecked, they can become a barrier between you and success. For Black folx, this fear of feeling joy can take on a life of its own when you begin to look through the pages of your personal history and the trauma it may hold. Racial and generational trauma definitely add a layer of complexity to the experience of joy.
When we have been denied the chance to feel safe in our skin, in our body, and in a world that holds whiteness to a different (read: more desirable) measure, it’s hard to deny that happiness feels a little different too. There’s even a word for it when applied to the lives of Black folx who are healing generations of pain and trying to find some gravity in their present.
Dr. Joy DeGruy coined the term Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome (PTSS) and, as the name implies, it’s got a lot in common with PTSD, (although also important to highlight…ain't nothin “post” about it). PTSS carries inherent grief for the pain of generations past and can manifest itself in a healthy dose of fear at the prospect of joy. While that may have no place in your current reality, it likely grew as an innate form of self-preservation and protection against the bias that very much still guides the lived experience of every Black person in America.
You can take back your life and find joy again
No matter what you’ve been through or the residual pain you carry from those experiences, you are deserving of happiness. Success and joy are (and should be) yours to take when you are ready, but there is no rush to grasp them until you are ready.
From physical barriers to spiritual reservations, there are so many parts of you that may need to be nurtured. By doing so, you’ll ensure you’re ready to take back your life from these protective barriers currently holding you in check.
How to manifest joy so you can start celebrating life to the fullest (aka THRIVING!!!)
Affirm yourself and your intentions
Long before Instagram, community, celebration, and determination had a place in the roots that are not respected by the capitalist nature of mass-marketed self-care. Instead of choosing that version, consider what affirmations might mean or feel like for you right here and now.
Despite a social media-wide whitewashing of practices of self-care and affirming your interests, manifestation for power and purpose are rooted in Black culture. This begins with GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION! Think big, dream about it, and ask yourself what you need and want on this journey to take back your life.
Explore Ubuntu
To deepen your reconnection with affirmations and self-care that serve you and the life you are building, African tradition includes community care. As Black folks we tend to “Flock” together. Consider exploring your personal connection with Ubuntu. The Zulu word translates to an affirmation in itself: "I am because we are." Take yourself on a little date with Google or reach out to your community and ask what they know about the personal practice of Ubuntu. Whether it takes on a spiritual connotation for you, or just a radical reclaiming of your space in celebration, this particular manifestation of joy can be a powerful way to rebel against fear. We are because of our ancestors and there is healing in the community. Sawubona! (I see you)
Make space for maybe
After you’ve taken time to affirm your own power and explore your relationship with it, it’s time to act. The ultimate goal is to arrive in a space where you believe without question in what you deserve—happiness. But taking huge leaps can be scary, and that fear may hold you back from trying to take the measurable steps I know you’re capable of.
Before you manifest big dreams, try believing in small ones. Answer your “what ifs” with “even if” and your fears with flourishing possibility. Every question of doubt has an answer of triumph—focus on that even as you learn what that means for you.
Essence of Healing is currently providing inclusive therapy to individuals, groups, and intimate partners. If you and your crew are ready to manifest joy where fear is currently taking up space, you’re ready to take the next step.
March 20 is the International Day of Happiness. Schedule today and see how much your life can change before then.
