Which D do you need: Divorce or Discernment?

Traditionally, relationship counseling is tailored around knowing what it is you want. It’s the first question they’ll ask. But what happens when you don’t know? In my typical nontraditional suit, I believe the essence of healing begins with throwing all that out the window and getting to the core of what your relationship(s) need. 

When you’re not sure about whether you intend to divorce or stay together, discernment counseling can be an incredibly helpful resource.

Today let’s talk about what uncertainty in your relationship’s future could mean and how you can take back the power of decision-making with your partner(s) along the way.

What is discernment counseling?

In the most accessible of terms, discernment counseling is what you do when there’s a lot of uncertainty in your relationship(s). For some partnerships, that uncertainty is focused on the future of the relationship. Others may experience uncertainty in roles, dynamics, commitment levels, needs, or goals for themselves or the relationship. 

Discernment counseling differs from couples counseling by taking off the pressure of knowing what you’re working toward and using that journey as a way to make decisions that feel authentic at this moment, together. It doesn’t begin with a plan—it begins with a test. I’ve found using the Gottman Relationship Checkup to help demystify that path is a productive place to begin to shape the uncertainty you’re holding on to. 

Gott-who, and what’s he got to do with it?

Along with our core values of unconditional positive regard and authenticity, Essence of Healing uses a basis in the Gottman Method to begin to identify and tailor the relational work that will best support you and your partnership(s). The method’s named after a pair of doctors, John and Julie Gottman, who developed a relationship tool that is founded on decades of research. You can read more about it here. 

In our work together, we don’t live and die by any one method, but the Gottman Relationship Checkup is an empowering way to get to grips with whatever you need to work on and find a way forward through a variety of means and tools. Gottman is the framework, but you are the architect.

How do we move forward if we can’t make a decision?

Sometimes, even the most intentional and committed approach can fail to lead to a clear decision. Life’s messy in that way, but it doesn’t mean you haven’t been successful in discerning your next steps. You may find that you use discernment counseling to move forward in a path toward a solution, or in taking steps back to find your way along your own path.

Even without a clear solution that encompasses the future, discernment counseling will always be successful in helping you figure out what you don’t know—even if it’s just putting a name to that uncertainty. 

Finding that path, no matter which way it points is what discernment counseling is. There is no guarantee that your discernment will lead you to a life of happiness together. Discernment is not the end destination- it’s the process of getting there with the support of a neutral party (me) and realness (you!) in your time.

Why would we go to counseling for divorce?

If early on during the discernment process, you determine that the end of the relationship is the only way to meet everyone’s needs, discernment can still support you. Divorce counseling is a niche type of relational work and it matters a lot more than you may realize. Relationship endings are not often tied up neatly in closure and severed ties. For many folx, some sort of connection may need to stay in place to wrap up joint affairs or parent children you share, or even help with navigating blended family and friendships. 

Relational work to define what the relationship will look like moving forward, heal old hurts, and develop a plan of action to protect yourself from unhealthy tendencies is important. We can work together to support boundary work and unconditional positive regard between yourself and your former partner(s) after we’ve discerned just what that means for you. 

Your future matters, even when it’s unclear

And discernment counseling is a really committed way of ensuring you don’t forget it. In relationships, we have the tendency to forget ourselves when we focus on a moment or shared goal. Whether your relationship is taking a new shape or heading for a different future altogether, there is so much benefit to be found in taking the initiative and giving the energy to unmasking uncertainty to give your relational future the most authentic intentions. 

No matter what your relationship looks or feels like, you’re welcome here to find your way. You do you, and I’ll do my best to help you do it with your partners in whatever way y'all need it.