Why You NEED a Safe Space to Talk About Sex in Therapy

You ever wish you could just tell your therapist about that weird fantasy, or a power scene with your partner that didn’t go quite how you thought? 

Why can’t you? 

Space to be open about sex, intimacy, power, and relationships in therapy helps you to ground yourself not only into your identity but into that therapeutic healing. If you’re not sure you can trust your therapist with the parts of you that need a sounding board, then it’s time to explore the merits of having a sex-positive therapist in your life.

Why a sex-positive therapist is important

No matter the role that sex and intimacy play in your life or identity, a sex-positive therapist can be the secret weapon in finding your way forward authentically. Sex and kink affirming therapy changes the game for anybody who participates in a dynamic view of sexuality. Sex is, and should always be, inclusive of the experiences of intimacy that make you feel fulfilled and content. 

When you come to therapy, you’re already putting yourself in a vulnerable position. You shouldn’t have to worry about hiding a part of yourself for fear of judgment or shame in the spaces you are meant to have the freedom to be your realest self. 

What does kink-affirming mean?

In our work together, we don’t live and die by any one method, but the Gottman Relationship Checkup is an empowering way to get to grips with whatever you need to work on and find a way forward through a variety of means and tools. Gottman is the framework, but you are the architect.

How do we move forward if we can’t make a decision?

In therapy, kink-affirming and kink-aware are the terms you may come to associate with the freedom to be a more honest version of yourself. If you’re already well-versed in exploring your kink identity these words are a must-have on your therapist's wish list. You may want a kink-affirming therapist even if you don't identify as kinky so that you feel safe to explore uncertain or unfamiliar areas of your relationship needs or sexual experiences. We ain't got time for those dangerous kinky myths in this space anyway!

What I mean when I tell you I am a kink-affirming therapist is that I value kink and alternative lifestyles as a normative part of relationship dynamic choices and I will never make you feel unwelcome or unsafe in our space because of your kink practices. I’m not telling you I’ll be familiar with or knowledgeable about every kinky scenario you’re trying to come to terms with, but I’ll never lie to you or make you feel uncomfortable for your expressions.

The benefits of having a safe place to explore 

The security of a therapist who aligns themselves with a commitment to cultural humility gives you the freedom to decide what you share. This freedom occurs in a space where the person receiving this information has already let you know that they’re equipped to respond from a space without judgment and that if something should arise, there's space to share and give feedback. That in itself opens up the potential benefits for those who are newly exploring or differently exploring their relationship with sex, intimacy, and the power within them. 

A kink-aware and sex positive therapist may be a part of you finally being open about the life you’re already living. This safe space may also offer you the opportunity to begin exploring other values you have or things you feel without the fear of being rejected. In my clinical practice, being open and accepting of all sexualities, power dynamics, and relationship structures is critical to my own identity as well as your experience. I take your safety seriously and it is my personal mission to ensure you feel that during your time here, especially if you’ve been through some difficult shit.

Black women have changed the landscape of sex-positivity

When you’re looking for a therapist who understands what it means to be fragile but proud of your authenticity, you should know that Black women wrote the damn book on that. I am proud to take up a space that’s been thoroughly supported by Black women, from accessible birth control to destigmatizing sex. 

Social media has taken a center stage in sex education in a lot of ways, primarily for folx who are just not ready to confront these intimate desires and thoughts with someone. In that space, Black women are taking up the mantle once more to pioneer the way forward in talking about sex and sex education, openly. Here are 22 brilliant Black sex educators you can and should explore to expand your ideas of how important sex and relationships can be in your life and in your therapeutic spaces.

YOU make the rules of your identities

Whether you’re poly, kinky, sex-focused, navigating sex and/or intimacy after trauma, or not really sure about any of it at all, the boundaries of your identity are not for anyone else to decide. The way you approach your therapy is much like the way you can approach each of these things: with authenticity, honesty, and respect for the people directly involved. Fuck anybody else who feels they’ve got a right to weigh in!

Sex and kink-affirming therapeutic spaces give you the freedom to say what you need to feel what works for you. If you need to say that filthy thing or work through that new and uncomfortable idea, being in a place where the person on the receiving end can offer you neutrality, knowledge, and security will help you flourish into your most powerfully vibrant truth. Write your story, and if it’s kinky, so be it.